Projection

My life seems to be pulling in a few different directions at once right now, and it's exhausting. There are a lot of personal things going on right now-- well, not a lot, but a couple of big ones-- that I really can't talk to anyone about. Talking about it would probably help me sort it out, but that's not an option because there's no one that I'm close enough to and trust enough with it.

Derby was a good distraction for many reasons. The physical activity works out frustration and keeps me tired, the camaraderie I have with my teammates is phenomenal, and I tend to always be focused on one derby related event or another. Staying busy is great for someone with the tendency to get lost in their own head and go borderline crazy from time to time. Going to the gym and working out was another good distraction. With my knee being screwed up, that's out the window-- temporarily. (Even though "temporary" keeps stretching out for longer and longer, and is starting to feel more like it's permanent.) Without the distractions, I've got too much spare time to focus on the things I can't control.

I would like to have another baby. WE would like to have another baby. That would put derby on the back burner for at least a year. I know some people think that you just carry the baby for nine months, pop it out, and then jump back into your life exactly as it was before. A 20 year old girl on our team is pregnant, and when she announced it to us, she said she'd stay involved and be right back as soon as she had the baby. Most of the girls believed her. She believed herself.

I know better.

Having already experienced the birth of one child, I can promise you that's not how it goes. Not even close. The life you had before no longer exists. It is gone. You can't even imagine it now. In some ways, it's like it never was your life. Your new life-- and it is a new life-- now centers around things in the home. Feedings every 1-2 hours, dirty and wet diapers in between feedings, soothing a baby who's crying for no apparent reason, icing your swollen and unbelievably sore breasts between feedings, obsessing over whether the incision in the bottom of your belly looks okay, taking 10 minutes to pull your underwear down to pee, taking another 10 minutes to pull it back up after you pee, getting your underwear up and then immediately realizing that you have to pee again, breaking down in tears in the shower because how the hell are you supposed to live another minute-- much less another day making it from one second to the next-- meeting one of baby's needs after another in a pain pill induced fog on no sleep for ever and ever and ever and ever and everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Okay so it's not quite foreverrrr. The minute-to-minute struggle only lasts a few weeks. But even once that initial shock has passed and you've settled into some kind of routine-- or at least gotten used to not having a routine-- you're still a mom above all else now. And that does last foreverrr. For at least a few months, you're almost never able to do anything for yourself. Go play roller derby? That's funny! I was grateful when I got to go to Wal Mart to buy more formula. I was tethered to the house via a breast pump that I had to use every 2 hours (or risk springing a leak in public), and even if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have had the energy or the physical stamina to do anything more strenuous than sit in a chair in the movie theatre.

So. Even though I know all this, I still want another baby. Even though my Charlie is getting big enough now that I can take him places with me, or I can leave him home with Tim, or even with a babysitter sometimes. Even though things have only recently-- like maybe in the last 4 months-- begun to feel like a normal life again, I'd like to shake it up and have another one. Even though I'm 31 years old and I know that if I don't play roller derby now and if I don't get in good physical shape now, I may never. That thought hurts me. Still. I want another one, and I want him or her as soon as possible.

I also need to go back to school. I'll be taking one class this summer so I can renew my teaching license. The teaching license that I pray I never have to use again. In the fall, I'd like to start the Clinical Lab Science program, aka Medical Technology. The only problem is that I'd have to go do an internship for a semester at the end of the program (in about 2 years) and they can send me to almost any hospital in the state, and I have no choice which one. That could be hard to manage with a 3 year old-- much less with another little one. And roller derby? It would have to fall by the wayside. Again.

Adulthood and the decisions that come with it are a bitch, aren't they? I guess I should just thank God for the beautiful son I have, for the fact that I will most likely be able to play roller derby again in a month or two, and try not to look into the future for potential conflicts.

See? If I were playing roller derby, I wouldn't be writing this.

Back on the Bench

I'm benched again due to injury. The same one. My knee just kept getting worse every time I practiced, and Monday night I was on skates for about 10 minutes before I was done. I'm going to sit out for a month and let it heal. I haven't been able to go to the gym or anything for over a week now.

So there's not much to say about roller derby.

There are tons of new girls on the team. And I got a derby wife.

New Stuff

My new wheels ROCK! While in Dallas we went to the skate shop that we normally order from online, (www.lowpriceskates.com) and they gave us some great deals on stuff. After being repeatedly told that I would be able to tell a difference, I reluctantly bought a set of Radar Flat Outs along with new bearings (Bones Reds) and knee pads (RSG Force III). I didn't think the wheels would make such a huge difference, but it did-- big time. They are smoother and I don't have to push as hard to get speed, and they grip really well going around the turns. I feel much more confident on these wheels than I did on the ones that came on my skates. The skates are Riedell R3's; the wheels were Cayman somethings. Pieces of poo, I tell you. We occasionally skate around USM's campus to hang fliers for events, or skate in parades, etc., and I don't own any outdoor wheels, so I'll probably use them as outdoor wheels. My new pads are okay, but I should have bought a smaller size because they keep sliding down when I fall.

Monday was my first night back at practice post-injury. The knee didn't swell much, and was only a little sore the next day. I skated again last night, and did fall drills this time. Today it was pretty sore, but not too bad. It might not have been so bad if I had remembered to ice it last night after practice. Falling on it isn't what hurts; there is a sharp pulling feeling right under my kneecap when I use that leg to pull up. I also have pain in the top part of my shin, which makes sense since the MRI showed inflammation of the something-or-other at the top of that bone. Anterior horn, which I think is the top part of the shin bone, but I don't really know.

It would be more prudent to stay off of it for another couple of weeks, but I enjoy roller derby too much. I'll take it easy and make sure to ice it after practices. As long as I'm wearing quality pads-- and I am-- it's unlikely to have any more pressure put on it in practice than what I already put on it in the gym.

We have about 33 girls on our team now. In the last 2 weeks we've had probably 10 new girls show up! At practice Monday there were 3-5, and then last night there were another 5. I had to skate through a crowd of strangers to find a familiar face! It's crazy! There has been some talk of the team splitting off to form two teams, and if most of these newbs stick around, we'll have no choice. It's exciting and nerve racking at the same time!

Working Out

It's getting better, this working out stuff. I have been using an elliptical machine because it's less pressure on my knee than the treadmill. When I first started, I could only do about 10 minutes on it. Now I'm doing 30, and following that with strength training. When I go back, I am bumping it up to 35 minutes. I know that 30-35 minutes is nothing to brag about, but that is progress.

I'm starting to understand what they mean about that runner's high or second wind, whatever it's called. I hit this wall and it gets so hard to keep moving. It's like I have to just close my eyes, bear down, and push through it. Then it's over and it gets easier again. Some point soon after that, I get this slightly euphoric sensation. It's not orgasmic or anything; it's just a very pleasant feeling. Thank you, seratonin. I don't even notice the wall breaking down until I get the high.

I'm not sure I'm doing all the weight training stuff correctly. I read that you should work all the muscle groups every time, doing 2-3 sets of 12-15 reps with the weight set so that you can barely finish the last rep in good form, so that's what I've been doing. It just doesn't seem to take that long, and I walk out of the gym thinking I should've spent more time in there. And there are a few machines I can't do, like this thing--



It KILLS my knee. It doesn't hurt bad while I'm doing it, but the next day my leg will be tight and painful, so I'm staying away from that thing right now. Hopefully the elliptical machine is giving my quads a good workout without hurting the knee. I'm still doing the PT at home, too. It's time for this injury to move out of the spotlight and let me do my thing again.

I want to kick some roller derby ass!

Victory!

We beat Assassination City's Dirty Little Secret Service 93-68! It was fucking AWESOME! Here's an article in the Derby News Network.

http://www.derbynewsnetwork.com/2010/02/weekend_review_212010

I was the Line Coach, and it was so much more stressful than I expected. I was warned it was going to be intense, and prepared myself for it. It was only about ten times as difficult as I thought it would be.

We watched Special Ops team play after our bout, and their lineup wasn't nearly as chaotic. I need to learn more about how to do it-- even though I don't plan to always be Line Coach. Eventually I'll be out there knocking bitches down.

The knee is much better, but still a little sore when I kneel or put a lot of pressure on it. I'm doing my PT and expect to be back on skates in about a week.

Pics of the bout and the trip to come soon! Follow our team on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/group.php?gid=8734348911&ref=ts