Witch Doctor

I started back skating at practice a couple of weeks ago, only to be sidelined again by mind numbing pain all the way from my hip to my foot in the same leg as the knee injury. Since my foot was also going numb, I was thinking I had a pinched nerve and went to a chiropractor. I'm pretty sure they are a bunch of quacks. They took x-rays of my back and neck, and said I had three bones out of alignment with one being toward the bottom. He said that is pinching a nerve and causing my problem, and that he could fix me up in a couple of weeks.

Some of their procedures were suspicious to me right off the bat.

1. They made me watch two different videos about chiropractic care, both of which were geared toward someone with an IQ of about 80 and focused on the importance of continuing the care for, well, ever.

2. The doctor (and I use the term loosely here) came into the exam room (again, term used loosely) wearing red pants. I'm pretty sure they were clown pants.

3. Once he had my x-rays, they made me sit in a different room while they examined them. When I went back to the room, it was obvious they had spent some time arranging things just so-- I wasn't even sure if the x-rays on the wall were mine, but there were lines drawn all over them, and there was this light board on the wall that blinked lights on a model of the back to show where the problems were found. It was just weird.

4. Last but not least, the biggest red flag was when they told me the full cost for the recommended course of treatment was $2,000-- unless I paid up front, in which case they would knock it down to $1,500.

Being skeptical, I decided to pay as I go. They wanted me to come in DAILY for the first two weeks, and even offered to watch my child in their office while I was there. That is how desperate they are to get me (and my money) in their door as often as possible.

I talked to a few people who have had chiropractic care before, and most of them swear it helped them, so I decided to give it a try for a while and see what happens. Since then I've been three times. Here's what happens each time.

I lie back on a table, and the doctor pops my neck. I don't know why. I think it's just so I can hear something popping and think there's something going on. Then I turn over on my stomach. He presses on my mid back for about two seconds, then presses on my hip for a second. When he does the hip pressing, the table makes a bunch of noise, which is supposed to signal to me that something is being done-- I don't remember what. I think it's just noise. After that he says "See you tomorrow." Then I go to a "traction therapy" room and lie on a table that massages my back for 8 minutes.

Today when I got there, I told him the table hurts my hip when it rubs it. So instead of the traction therapy, they said they were going to try something else. I laid on my stomach and a "nurse" (trailer park chick in a set of scrubs) uses a vibrator thing across my back for about 45 seconds.

That costs $68. Each visit.

Today after I left, I went to a real doctor. She pressed around on my back/hip area until I yowled in pain, and then declared it to be a problem with my SI joint. I'm getting an MRI tomorrow.

I think I'll hold off on visiting the witch doctor until I get those results.